DIARY: My Breakdown Was a Breakthrough For Some Heavenly Seconds

I don't know if I'm writing this because I feel I owe someone an explanation (it's not that deep) or if I'm writing this for myself, so that I come to grips and fully understand what's going on.

My mother has cervical cancer and in the past few weeks has suffered from kidney failure twice. She was scheduled for surgery but ended up not getting it because of her kidneys. She got out and the same day my Gam (Grandmother) and I crafted the 'Gucci In Paris' she had congestive heart failure. The next day my Grandpa (my bestfriend in the universe & oldest roommate ever) who came to visit my mama from New York had two strokes. He is no longer able to talk, swallow and sometimes understands. The entire right side of his body isn't working. We had just went to Farmer's in Murfreesboro and had a great time. It's always great times with my Grandpa.

I had a great moment with my Gam as well. She doesn't remember cussing out the nurses in the hospital and telling them that she's a nurse (she was) and they're not doing their job. But although she has Alzheimer's, she saw me weeping and held me tight and told me everything will be ok and she loves me. I told her, "But everyone is in pain and you don't even know who I am." She said, "I know who you are, you're Tot, you're my Grandbaby." It's as if we were back in Mt. Vernon, New York, South Sixth Avenue, even her voice sounded like it used to. Even though it was a point to where I was breaking down, it was also a breakthrough. I'm never too old to say I need to be held by my Gam, Grandpa or Mama. I still need that but as I type, my Grandpa is only able to squeeze my hand, my mama is back in ER and my Gam being fresh. I think I get it. I'm grateful either way. And especially grateful for awesome friends and family that continue to pray and uplift me because I feel like I'm going insane. I'm still going through it & it's hard, (insert positive quote because I'm still down).